So, came home at lunch today for my one hour break and nobody was parked in front of the house. I came in, ate lunch, and when I went to leave, a blue four door car was parked 1 foot behind me and #4's car's bumper was touching mine - he'd parked in front of me, and I was boxed in. I went downstairs to ask him to move his car up as I had to go back to work and he said, "In a few minutes," and shut the door on me. I said, "I have to be back to work in 10 minutes!" and he said, "I'll move it in a few minutes."

I was heated.

I went out to the car to see if I could work my way out and a police car came by (!) and I flagged her down...I explained the situation to the cop and she said she'd see if she could talk to him and assured me there was a bylaw or something saying how much space should be left between vehicles parallel parked. He wouldn't open the side door for her - likely assumed it was me and I could wait, but he came out while she was trying to direct me out of the space without hitting either the car behind me or his car. She told him he'd have to move his car and in the future he would have to leave a certain amount of space for other cars to park. Meanwhile, our three cars were the only ones within "parking" distance, so it was clear that I was being boxed in. I thanked her and sped off to work. I was only 10 minutes late (they'd started without me), but I was STEAMING and didn't really catch what was going on for the first 15 minutes...

I called Darren right after work and told him what was going on, also that the plastic cover on the thermostat is totally ruined now - which I didn't do - and he said he'd talk to them when he got their rent (whenever that might be, he's working and isn't always around to catch them when they're home).

I just got off the phone with the police and they've added to the file. An officer will call me back to see what I'd like to do with this...well, I'M PISSED OFF AND I DEMAND JUSTICE!!!

Off to clean the catbox now...

xoxo
lili

me'n'diabetes

Okay.
The truths as I know 'em:

1. Nobody lives forever. Personally, I'm hopin for a big cardiac in my sleep like the rest of 'em. Odds are fairly good that it shall happen that way - I smoke, I'm overweight, I'm kinda sloth-like. I expect to deteriorate faster than those who are not diabetic, and maybe slower than those who have illnesses I am not intimate with, and about the same as anybody else who may contract any other debilitating disease. Cancer could take me out within two years, a bus could take me out in a matter of seconds. Its a matter of perception there.
2. Doctors and others have asked me, incredulously, "don't you want to live long?" Define long. I mean, at 15 I never expected to see 25, at 20 I never expected to see 30, at 25 I doubted 40. I'm almost 40 now, and I'm thinking 50ish is good. Good enough. Diabetic or not, most of my life I have lived with an uncertain self-appointed future. I am like most of the masses - headcounted but not making a grand difference - or one that can be measured beside someone else that has "achieved" in the eyes of the rest of the masses. I'm sheep-like, I follow my own path and think it is unique and it is, unique to me. I've made small differences like everybody else. I don't see what I'll achieve - either by my own yardstick or anybody else's - by living to 80 and beyond. I achieve on a daily basis, so do you.
3. Food is here to stay. I'm never on a diet, I make sure I eat a protien with a carb and will eat most of the protien first before the carb because I learnt how my body rolls food around in my veins. I still like chocolate, I still like salt. I don't care much for eating alone, and sometimes fast food is the only thing I can really think of. I either make food in a big pot and eat out of it for a few days or I'm having a sandwich or something else that will take within 15 minutes of my labor or I'm flipping once in the oven for a heat'n'eat or I'm not caring for anything I have in my cupboard/fridge and so I commit a drive-by-fooding. I don't drink and I don't do dope and I think fast food part of my entertainment and it takes care of a basic need - to eat.
4. Exercise doesn't cut it for me. I hate the smell of gyms, the sound of sneakers on hardwood, and the comparisons which I know will go on - if not within myself, then with anybody else in the gym with me. Enough said. I mean, I don't want to walk around in circles for an hour, I need a purpose. Today, fer instance, where I was all over this town and in and out of stores and hefting cat litter and canned goods around and such...I don't tire from that even if it is tedious. It is necessary, and so I do it. My job doesn't demand anything from me physically, which is something I miss from the casino days. If there were a reason to do something - and I mean, get something accomplished besides ripping through sneakers - then perhaps I would do it. Put a dollar at the end of the stick and I'll seriously consider it.
5. I read about those monkeys that have been "cured" of their diabetes, and a few people stateside who have had an operation on their pancreas (I think - its been a few years since I read about them) and their diabetes is gone. I have hope that perhaps there is a cure...and that if not for me, then for others that follow me.

I see so many points in my life swirling down the toilet that it really doesn't make much of a difference anyway - that's a whole other post that I may or may not get to - and I don't see the point of pushing for 80. So much sadness, so much struggling, so much indifference...so little companionship, so much time spent alone already, and so much work at getting some small achievement done - the crafts, the art in my head, and another day put in at work. The depression and anxiety that I deal with on a daily basis and have done so for the past 15 years...I'm sure that will take its toll along with the diabetes. For instance, today I got really wierded out geting my fasting blood test done (I usually opt for a companion during this but who is there anymore?) and then came home to eat and then set out again, only to experience another panic attack in the grocery store and had to come home for grounding. And that was just today...I have these struggles on a daily basis. Things I try to explain to doctors and really is nobody else's business...this daily inner scream which is on the verge of becoming a puddle of me spewing tears. The addiction to prescription drugs that my doctors both know about but admit there is little else for me - to replace or fix or heal without experiencing much more pain that my spirituality will contain and console. I've hung by a thread on a yearly basis - and beside that monster, the diabetes really takes a backseat, where it is going to be anyway, idling and slipping and chipping away at the edges, whether I put more conscious effort into "controlling" it or not.

xoxo
lili

hit the ground running

I hate these days where I have to jump out of bed and get rolling. I much prefer to sit and ease into the day...

Today is not that day.

I've been out and to three different corners of the city so far. I still have to head north again, then south, then home. There's the traffic (light first thing, then getting more busy) and the people - some taking their time, some like me, getting in and trying to get out as soon as possible. I almost hit someone who was speeding through the parking lot - why speed in a parking lot? You're there, mate! Speeding in general is annoying...I mean, who hasn't come across the guy who is whipping in and out of lanes, cuts you off and then you find yourself behind them at the next light. They got nowhere. I wish there was an instant greeting feature in my car, where I could send a message to them saying just that - "you are now ahead of me instead of behind me, however, we are both at the same light. Hope you don't hurt somebody by the next light xoxo lili." Mind you, I also hear people who, having been in three or four accidents that I know about in the time I've known them who say they are great drivers, its everybody else who can't drive. I say I have never been in an accident and I know that the next time I drive could very well be the time where I schmuck somebody off - its all split seconds, I've been lucky so far.

The cats are fighting over sunbeam rights in the kitchen.

I'm going to the library shortly to see if they have any books for sale that I can use for altered books. I have two here for bases, but the one I started before Christmas and I'm not sure if I like it, and the other one I've started but I feel I must have more! I mean, what if tomorrow night comes and I screw this one up and I've nothing new to play with...that sort of reasoning. Besides, they are so cheap - fifty cents each, and well...I like paper and things. The one I'm working on now is purple in base, and I've decided to go with "circles" as a theme for that one.

I'm off again...have to hurry here and there so I can get home and be truly relaxed...

xoxo
lili

notes to self

Don't Misinterpret
Don't impose the wrong notion of what harmony is, what compassion is, what patience is, what generosity is. Don't misinterpret what these things really are. There is compassion and there is idiot compassion; there is patience and there is idiot patience; there is generosity and there is idiot generosity. For example, trying to smooth everything out to avoid confrontation, not to rock the boat, is not what's meant by compassion or patience. It's what is meant by control. Then you are not trying to step into unknown territory, to find yourself more naked with less protection and therefore more in contact with reality. Instead, you use the idiot forms of compassion and so forth just to get ground. When you open the door and invite in all sentient beings as your guests, you have to drop your agenda. Many different people come in. Just when you think you have a little scheme that is going to work, it doesn't work. It was very beneficial to Juan, but when you tried it on Mortimer, he looked at you as if you were crazy, and when you try it on Juanita, she gets insulted. Coming up with a formula won't work. If you invite all sentient beings as your guests while just wanting harmony, sooner or later you'll find that one of your guests is behaving badly and that just sitting there cheerfully doing your tonglen and trying to cultivate harmony doesn't work. So you sit there and you say, "Okay, now I'm going to make friends with the fact that I am hurting and afraid, and this is really awful." But you are just trying to avoid conflict here; you just don't want to make things worse. Then all the guests are misbehaving; you work hard all day and they just sit around, smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, eating your food, and then beating you up. You think you're being a warrior and a Bodhisattva by doing nothing and saying nothing, but what you're being is a coward. You're just afraid of making the situation worse. Finally they kick you out of your house and you're sitting on the sidewalk. Somebody walks by and says, "What are you doing sitting out here?" You answer, "I am practicing patience and compassion." That's missing the point. Even though you've dropped your agenda, even though you are trying to work WITH situations instead of struggling AGAINST them, nevertheless you may have to say, "You can stay here tonight, but tomorrow you're going, and if you don't get out of here, I am calling the police." You don't really know what's going to benefit somebody, but it doesn't benefit anybody to allow someone to beat you up, eat all your food, and put you out on the street. So "Don't misinterpret" really gets at the notion of the big squeeze. It's saying that you don't know what's going to help, but you need to speak and act with clarity and decisiveness. Clarity and decisiveness come from the willingness to slow down, to listen to and look at what's happening. They come from opening your heart and not running away. Then the action and the speech are in accord with what needs to be done, for you and for the other person. We make a lot of mistakes. If you ask people whom you consider to be wise and courageous about their lives, you may find that they have hurt a lot of people and made a lot of mistakes, but that they used those occasions as opportunities to humble themselves and open their hearts. We don't get wise by staying in a room with all the doors and windows closed.

Idiot Compassion
Idiot compassion is the highly conceptualized idea that you want to do good....Of course, [according to the Mahayana teachings of Buddhism] you should do everything for everybody; there is no selection involved at all. But that doesn't mean to say that you have to be gentle all the time. Your gentleness should have heart, strength. In order that your compassion doesn't become idiot compassion, you have to use your intelligence. Otherwise, there could be self-indulgence of thinking that you are creating a compassionate situation when in fact you are feeding the other person's aggression. If you go to a shop and the shopkeeper cheats you and you go back and let him cheat you again, that doesn't seem to be a very healthy thing to do for others. ~ Chogyam Trungpa

From Start Where You Are : A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron, Copyright 1994, Shambhala Publications.

xoxo
lili

a "do nothin" type of day

Today I job shadowed for the morning. I think I'll have forgotten everything I learned yesterday, which was going into a new system and doing the very basics. The shadowing part was kind of pointless...the woman I was paired with did three different jobs, so I only got to bear witness to about four out of 21 tasks that would have related to me. I'm not concerned though. Not until I pass the test!

I felt like crap yesterday - one tonsil was way bigger than the other, and I was hot/cold/hot, and all sorts of flu type things. I made an appt with the doctor for today and I feel okay now...of course. I'll still go though. It kind of breaks up the day - I mean, I could be "off" without any more public appearances but no...the bra and socks will stay on, the hair will stay up until I get home again. Only an hour and a half to kill!

A friend of mine had disappeared suddenly, with no forwarding address...she had went off her medication and gave away everything - animals (7) and all furnishings and papers and thought it would be ideal to just "be" without encumberances. I could understand that...to just run away...who hasn't wanted to do that? This was back in October. Yesterday I got an email from her, an attachment only, no words...and figured it might be spam. This morning I got 7 emails from her - all attachments - and I somehow deleted all of them from my yahoo account - I didn't mean to. I tried opening one, but it said that the server didn't support the attachment or somesuch, and I closed it, and all her emails disappeared. Yet...I wonder if it was her...it was her style, to send pictures and no words or seven short poems in a row, or whatever. If she sends more, I'll try to open them again...see what she sent. I think about her often...and hope that she is okay. If it is indeed a virus and I crash my computer...oh well. The other alternative is to go to the library and open it there :D, which has been suggested to me. We'll see...

I've no other words for today.

xoxo
lili

wot's up with these blogs?!?

From time to time I peruse the "next blog" button on the top right. Lately, its annoyed me that I come across the following blogs with more and more frequency...

http://instancedippers.blogspot.com/ which I think is about POKER.

http://areepson.blogspot.com/ The Marijuana Comics why the bowl must not be assented full greatness because it misrules uneaseful to homesick a work-calloused prices-current of liquid to his Marijuana Comics without justifying-key some, or in the case of appeaser without filling his half-snort too fig-sue.
Now this one would be interesting...I looked at the title of one post, scrolled down 6 paragraphs and read the above. If I were stoned, it would make sense - in fact, not stoned, had I not stumbled across the POKER reference, I would have continued reading because I remember some of my writing when I was stoned. Again, I think its about POKER.

The writing is kinda like "Finnigan's Wake" but not really. Maybe the style but the content jumps all over the place. In any event, these blogs annoy me, worry me, confuse me, and I do read at least one paragraph to see if I can find one lone sentence that will make it all seem worthwhile...I mean, the secret of the universe could be hidden in one of those wordy blogs! You never know. "...without filling his half-snort too fig-sue" may be the answer to...well, it sounds like sound advice, doesn't it? Couldn't there be more?

Bah. I never have the interest or the drive to see these sorts of things through. I'm off to check out postsecret, then to podge something out of its original existence.

xoxo
lili

finished...the first altered book

well, it took me long enough...but the first little book is done. There is nothing else to do with it. I'm hoping to get my scanner going one of these days...and will post pics.

On to the next one! Bigger, plumper, juicier...

xoxo
lili

emails and babies

So what is up with those emails that you get from your friends that say, "don't open any emails from friends that have attachments coz they are going to ruin yer machine and let me tell you how they'll do that...so forward this email to everyone you know." I read them, I don't know if I retain the information or not, coz my friends are always sending attachments, my mom sends me attachments...and the latest craze is to get sucked into/peer in the windows of/jump feet first into websites that promise lots of good times/offer up something you might find interesting and then before you know it, you have to send your friends invitations/you choose to send your friends invitations...I mean, I delete them all the time so I'm likely safe this round, but gawd. I don't know if I'd remember to "KEEP OUT" or not. I forward them sometimes, sometimes not. I mean, I understand that some people have nothing better to do than create viruses, or that is their hobby because they can't draw or whatever...but sheesh.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine has sent pictures of her ultrasound to me. There is a baby in her belly! And while its not the first time I've seen a picture of a baby in a belly in black and white, it is the first time I've ever felt a little bit of excitement for someone else having a baby. Really. I mean, everybody procreates...or has...and I'm such a "NO BABY" person, but for this friend...well. I know that one of the first things I remember her saying is that she really wished to be married and have babies...at the time I thought, "?!?" because she is so talented and interesting and social...it was a something to me that meant, "twenty five to life without parole" and it made me cringe whenever somebody said that they wanted babies, I mean, I knew enough people at the time who didn't aye or nay the baby situation and had them anyway and I poked my nose into their lives often enough that I figured the concensus was "babies suck". Shortly after my operation I had the YEARNING for a baby...I dreamt about having them, would lay on the bed in a depressed "C" formation wondering how I could have a baby now, after a hystericalectomy...and knowing that it was a choice/option that was no longer available to me. I think it is because it is something that she wants, and because I adore her to bits and I know the trials she's had and she'd said that if she didn't get pregnant soon she likely wouldn't have any babies at all - which I knew would sit with her for life...well. I am hopeful and tinglybummed for her. A gentle hug to you, Bob, and I know you'll be doing everything that you should to keep your body strong.

Nobody touched the car overnight. Colin dropped off a non-working camera for me last night...I loaded it with fresh film and new batteries and nothing. He said he'll drop off a different camera for me today. I told Kevin, the boy next door, that I had started a paper trail regarding the car and he said he'd keep an eye out for me, and I looped the cord over the side mirror a few times then draped the cord over the hood and left enough room for it to go under the bumper a bit and then plug into the block heater. We'll see...it is warming up out there and by Monday, plugging the car in for an hour and a half should be sufficient, if at all necessary.

I'm not leaving the house today anyway. I cleaned it last night somewhat in preparation for my sister and brother in law to come over, and I've got an altered book to finish and others to start, and I'm going to spend the day gluing and such. The sun is shining brightly and I can hardly see the screen right now, so perhaps I'll add some later.

xoxo
lili

my seester's secret life

http://bookswordswriting.blogspot.com/

not so secret anymore! RAR!

I'm very sad about the Curious George writer thing...I mean, gawd...I wonder if his murderers knew who he was, and if they did, would it have made a difference...

*sniff*

xoxo
lili, off to pull out the one Curious George book to reread

Filing a Police Report 101

Again this morning, I get up to find my car has been unplugged. My neighbor's car has not. This is not an isolated incident.

I called the police and made a statement, starting a paper trail. They find it odd too that when I go to bed, my neighbor's car is not there and my car is plugged in, but in the morning, my car is unplugged and his car is there and plugged in. There is no proof, but I am going to find out who does this - neighbor or not, and I'm going to press charges or whatever it takes to get it to stop and the person doing this gets his. I am waiting for the seargent in charge of this area to get back to me, hopefully I'm home.

I've left a message for Ash to come pick me up...just hoping that she checks her messages before she leaves for work, or I'm fucked.

I can't tell ya how pissed off I am right now.

lili

-30 with a windchill = extreme raisin pouch action

Yes, Jackie, there IS a spring...just, not now. Meanwhile, keep yer boys in double thermal undies and yer girls with socks stuffed in their bras. And that's the weather...now back to our regularly posted schedule...

I'm not on a schedule! I don't need no steenkin' schedule! I post when I likes!

At least the cats are stayin warm, rolling around in front of the registers, poking their noses through the slats of the venetian blinds, rippin around like 90 for no particular reason, as they have no particular place to go. My captive audience...

Training is hard on the brain. I wonder about our trainer at times...she's switched the seating around so Glen, Kim and I sit all together on one side, so its like Three Stooges action, and when one goes off, the rest of us follow suit. There are times when I think we may need parental control...but whatever. The things we learn in the morning are forgotten by afternoon...she says, "Okay, so do exercise 4...and that one has "_____" in it, we learnt that this morning and we ALL just look at her like she swore in a foreign language.

Its that kind of training.

Well, waiting for Colin to drop by so I can give him a hug and get him to give me a ride...the pimpmobile took a nasty hit today with the cold and I don't trust it on the highway, not that I should trust Colin's "new to him" truck either. But that's the way she goes...

xoxo
lili

Message Board Madness

I actively belong to three message boards. Some days, I can spend two hours reading and responding to new posts. I don't know if this is a good thing or not, but it is one of my sources of interaction with other beings.

Sometimes I am amazed at the drivel posted by people, and I point this out, which sometimes puts me on the "unpopular" list. So be it. Sometimes I know in advance that what I'm about to say is going to be unpopular, sometimes not. But honestly...

Yesterday I responded to a post where a member, who posts about her weight loss a few times a week (and that doesn't include her replies to same said posts which I don't read). She posed the question of "what to do when a friend has said she feels guilty for eating the way she does with her when *the poster* is so conscious of her weight and food choices". Everyone else that responded to the post was all "you are not responsible for her reactions/feelings!" and "You go girl!" I thought those responses to be mostly true...but I thought perhaps there was something left out, so I decided to jump in with my own two cents.

She never said how much she stressed, in her interactions with this friend, of her own conversational input that was directly pointing out how much she was exercising or saying, "oh, I love french fries but they are soooo fattening!" when her friend ordered the burger and fries, or "did you know that one single egg has X in it?!?" when the friend ordered an omelet. Or, "I'll have to do an extra 20 minutes on the treadmill just to eat this!" with eyes big as saucers, examing her salad with dressing on the side. So I pointed that out...that perhaps her exuberance over her own life changes/choices might be contributing to her friend feeling badly about breaking bread with her to the point that she actually said something about it, and in the nicest way she thought of at the time.

I killed that post.

I mean, its like the newly non-smoker who says to other smokers, "its like kissing an ashtray!" Or, "that is so bad for your health!" It is like any other dieter, who I've hung out with, who has to tell you exactly what they are eating that is so much better for them than what you are eating. Or new mothers who have to explain their potty training ideals to a group that doesn't have babies/want babies. It is the exuberance which I honor, but gawd, can ya just shut up about it? I'd rather talk about movies I haven't seen yet...and those are my true feelings, which I masked while carefully typing out my response in her post. I respond to her in that way as a stranger, and I'm betting that a friend would try to be just as careful if not moreso.

xoxo
lili

wierdness amongst friends

So Monday morning I woke up and had a sore shoulder which I wrote off to a bad sleep position/angst over the training. I tried stretching it out, but it was still sore by day's end. Yesterday morning I woke up and my pinky and ring finger were fast asleep, and my shoulder hurt more - a solid knot. I was going to TigerBalm myself up before work and decided against that - the smell is very strong - but it was very noticeable that I was in pain (my coworkers noticed, anyway). When I got home, I immediately slathered the stuff on...and went to bed early, and got up feeling not to bad today, although it is still sore to touch. So I'm whining to my friend Jacks who said SHE WAS EXPERIENCING THE EXACT SAME THING, on the exact same nights. Full moon fever blisters, I'd say.

xoxo
lili

my brain in training

Today was the first day of training.
Of course, we start with rates and codes...the IMPOSSIBLE stuff but I'm hoping that it is the hardest part (for me) and we will be using it regularly so it will sink in. They don't set us up to fail...
The class is nice! Nobody that is overly annoying, everybody relaxed and easygoing. The trainer is nice and patient. I seem to have the most questions and such but Glen asks stuff under his breath and I ask it louder for him, so it will likely appear that I am totally clueless, oh well.
I came home and the neighbors to the north of me were fighting in the yard. He asked me if he were to come by in five or ten minutes, would I call a cab for her to get her out? I said, "Okay." Ten minutes later, he came by and asked me to call 911...I could hear her trashing the house inside, part of a DOOR came flying out and landed on the lawn. So that drama was over within an hour. I'm curious as to how to get that house condemned or something...I mean, it is in such rough shape and I'm sure there are mice in there (they were there two years ago and nothing has changed) and Darren said his outdoor cat was always coming home with a mouse, and dead mice around the yard here. I am going to look into it at some point, not today though.
My schedule is nice...every week we get half a day off so it's not so bad. Hopefully it doesn't change much as I intend to make a dentist appointment or two during the afternoons we have off. My bottom teeth are in need of a cleaning and likely some fillings. I don't care for dentists but it has to be done, and I think I can do this on my own now...not so freaked out about it. Also, there is that growth on my jaw that I'm curious about...sometimes my teeth on that side ache and I wonder if it is that.
Today's been good...I'm going to make some supper later and work on my altered books for a while...or maybe just watch some tv...who can say?

xoxo
lili

Coffee with Colin

Had coffee with Colin today while I was out and about...his mother died Saturday morning at 6:30am, peacefully...if being drugged out of yer mind and rotting from the inside out is peacefully. Things are askew at Colin's...the sisters are bickering, he and his brother aren't talking, his dad has the flu and hasn't much to say. I told him that funerals bring out the worst in others - behaviors that, at the time, can't be explained. He's still not impressed. He's going to be housesitting for two weeks starting Friday, which will leave his dad alone for the first time in years. His parents had been married 55 years.

I'm off to play some canasta with Kinks...

xoxo
lili

self-sabotage

I'm sitting here, thinking of the various ways I self-sabotage myself...one which, tomorrow, shall become very real.
I am starting a course to further myself in my employment, and I've worried about how hard it will be, the hours (8:30am?!?), and if I'm too stoopid to learn or retain new tricks. I am sure of one thing only - that I can talk to customers. The rest of it...well, I just don't know. But the other night I sat quietly with myself and listened to my inner babble regarding this matter, where I thought I'd fail, or find myself struggling...yet I'd already laid out a plan to help myself learn. Its like I'm setting myself up to fail and I've not started yet, and so I've reasoned that the travel will be hard. I don't know if I'll GET IT by the time I need to, which is tomorrow morning.

Today I am up at 8, and am going to have breakfast soon, and get out the door, finish my shopping (the list is still only partly finished), and then come back here and be CREATIVE.

I bought more podge, and intend to finish the first book - its almost done. I am going to pop into a dollar store and see what they have there, cheap, for podging action. The morning seems quite exciting today...I only wish there were someone to go to brunch with.

xoxo
lili

Ron at 11

Don't tell anybody we're not strong.
Strings and sinew, bones of masque
Unended sentences and mouthed words
Or the things we meant to have said -
Thought we said, all those years ago
Changelings changing, that's what we are
Buried bruises bandaged by a fresh punch and
It. Never. Was. Just. The. Words.

Still, there's chanting in the background
Our own personal movie trailers - we never
Tire of those, and the uneasiness that slithers
Under skin, under our breath, in our sleep
A baby step up the food chain, we can only BE
More than we were set out to be, or no? and
We'll never know what held their hands back
From completely finishing us off.

xoxo
lili

Today, the wreckage

I get paid today. I have things to do...get a money order, send a package, get gas/smokes, get some groceries. Go to work. I don't have the energy for any of it.

I feel like I've been ruined somehow.

My sleep was broken and my belly is rotten and I am supposed to meet the folks for lunch and I am just exhausted. I just tried to call mom but they've left already. They likely don't have their cell phone on, I don't know if I have the number even.

I need some more of what I had last night...the two candles burning, a good quick cry, cats coming by. Silence. No pressures. I'm getting dressed in warm clothing and pondering what else there is today besides what is absolutely necessary that I get done.

xoxo
lili

all those things they said to me today *RANT*

I'm so tired.

I've got nothing done.

I'm feeling my energy depleting.

I don't have the energy to deal.

And I'm angry.

I feel like everyone wants a piece or two of me and I don't have it to give...today, fer instance...when I wanted to just hang out, maybe burn a few cd's - play, in other words, there were "demands" of sorts - phone calls, IM's, work, visits promised, and once home, serenity broken by returning phone calls and receiving more. I just want to sit quietly for a day, without demands of any kind. Perhaps not turn the computer on, not answer the phone. I just need ME time and I realize that others have filled the void for me and that it would be nice to return the favor but lordy, everybody at once...

I'm torn by feelings of loyalty and the desire to be completely selfish. I need a backrub and a hug, I need some kind of release.

I don't understand how some people can run and run all day and still have time to take the calls, take the truths that others lay on them. I am having troubles with running a short distance in the day and then taking the calls and the truths. Somehow, I don't know if I was put together to take the truths.

I'm sitting at this freakin computer when I really wish to be anywhere else...and so I'll go and try to create the ambience that I need to refuel.

xoxo

lili

well, this amused me greatly

Doctored Tea for the Disgruntled Soul

I like it when Bebe is all full of piss'n'vinegar...I like to pick her up and have her squirming and "let me go!" and I scratch her head and tickle her tummy and I tell her "I love the fur yer in!" (stealing from some tv commercial - yeah, advertising works) and then I let her go...she is life personified, a mission in the midst of, and it doesn't matter than she's chasing scraps of toilet paper that have been shredded and forgotten by Sissy on the bottom of the tub...she has to do that, right NOW. She hops out of the tub with two scraps stuck on her back (the cat equivalent of toilet paper stuck to the sole of your shoe in a public place?), and races out of the bathroom. I sit and continue my penance for the food I've ingested the previous 36 hours or so, she's in the kitchen meowing about something, then races back in and sits, tail twitching, ears half flattened, glaring at me with half lidded eyes. "I'm not quite done yet," I tell her. Impasse.

Yesterday, Darren the landlord came over with an electrician for part of the morning to install electric fire alarms, which included digging a hole through the wall near the ceiling in the living room, and where they hadn't decided until then where to put it so I couldn't move things out on my own so plaster dust - all over the stereo, on the cd cases and ornaments, on the floor in the crevices that my vacuum cleaner (without attachments) can get at. They were going to put the alarm right by the stove/oven...I vetoed that idea, thinking, "are ya daft?" I still have the two battery operated alarms in place, don't know if that is necessary, as the electric one has a battery backup. I guess when the other two start beeping, I'll take the battery out and that will be that.

Last night three wierd things happened in a very short sequence - first, my computer crashed - the first time since Dave doctored it, and I think it was because I had epitonic radio going, playing yahoo canasta, had yahoo IM open, and was surfing a message board all at once. A little too much to handle, apparently, what with yahoo acting funny for all four of us playing. So I restarted the computer, and whilst doing so, one of the boys downstairs came home, slamming doors and swearing loudly, so I went to look out the front window to see if it was Donavon or Mike, and as I'm gawking out the window, watch two boys go stomping to the shack next door to me, one swinging a tire iron. I kept an ear out for the neighbors - all of them, and silently wished myself to be somewhere else...anywhere else. It was all quiet after that, but still...I told Darren I was thinking about moving and he was somewhat surprised but then plotting his move to this suite - I can understand why with the space, but it will be interesting to see how he feels about this place after living here for a year. Mind, he'll keep the garage and will be able to "monitor" the downstairs suites much better from this vantage point, and will be daily going back to the garage so to keep an eye on the back suite. It will likely work out better for him, better for me.

I've not called Ron for a few days...don't know what is going on with him. He was supposed to find out if he loses his house on Monday. I know he's trying to sell things to pay the mortgage that he owes, and he feels fragile with the depression and anxiety that he is reluctant to see anybody about. When Colin came over the other day, he told me that his mother was getting much worse and he didn't know how much longer she was going to live - she's got cancer. He's living there, presumably to help out but is really just feeling like the whipping boy for his father, who blames him for everything. He's looking to move at the end of the month...but he's been looking to move at the end of the month for the last four years, so who knows? He bought himself a truck though and seems to have direction and drive, something he's not had for many years, what with dealing with his gambling addiction. I look at them and realize my lot isn't so bad, could be much much worse.

I've not done anything creative for the past two days besides taking pages from magazines for further collage/altered books. The kitchen table is a mess from the previous works. Dishes are soaking in the sink. School is about to be let out in a matter of minutes, and I don't know what I'm going to do to fill the afternoon before I go to work.

xoxo
lili

plans gone awry

So yesterday I didn't feel like doing anything on the altered book. Well, I may have gotten around to it, but Colin called and came by for tea and then Cheryl called and wanted me to take her for groceries and I did and so by the time I got back, I had nothing left for me, but got to socialize/drive and swear. So that was good.

Right now, Sissy, V'lu and Bebe are all watching whatever is going on under the shelf that has all my tins on it. I have no idea what is keeping them enrapt but I think it has crawled closest to Bebe, she's playing with...an ant?!? On closer investigation, it turns out to be a silverfish - why are they in my home? I won't worry about that now...

So I cut out a lot more images to play with for altered books, and the day wasn't a complete creative loss. I want something to pop up in the center pages of the book I'm working on, just haven't figured out what yet. Maybe just a pocket with some notes or something...I would like to make one that is mostly pagan, but don't want to "ruin" any of the books I have on the subject - my textbooks. Perhaps it is time to work with the scanner/clean the printer, although I've never cleaned it, it shouldn't be that hard. Same reasoning behind cleaning a VCR, I would think...rubbing alcohol and coffee filters. I think the little ink thingies are drying up on me or getting clogged, and that would have to be remedied before continuing. I shall contemplate that.

It is breakfast time and I haven't a clue as to what I want...there is the leftover roast, which would likely be easiest to deal with. So I'm off to do that, and plug in the glue gun...the sunlight is the best to work in, I've decided. I've also got an urge to get cross stitching something again but I don't know...we'll see.

That's all for now!
xoxo
lili

Sunday Morning, Coming Down

Well, this morning I started the day off by admiring yesterday's creation in the works - the altered book. It has turned out quite fine! There are a few things I would have liked to NOT have done, but I'm sure that I can fix/hide the mistakes.

I worked at it, off and on, for 10 hours. It is only a 3" square little book, and besides the cover, there are 8 pages. Podging is seriously slow work. I can describe it, and perhaps if I get my scanner going today like I would like to - however I don't really want to be fussing with the computer today, as I'm sure its gonna balk at the scanner like it did the first time and I can't remember all that I did so long ago to get it going - so I will describe it, in case the scanner doesn't work. Besides, it isn't done yet...

I covered it all in dark blue tissue paper. The front and back aren't complete yet - only two Sun cut outs from a calendar are on it, and the spine is covered in gold foil. I used black cording as a built in bookmark/embellishment, but I'm not sure that it was the right color...I'm thinking about sewing some buttons and such to it, as the black isn't quite the color - it doesn't pop out of the dark blue. The inside pages I did with colored photographs of pages I found in "Incredible Voyages - the Human Body" - all bright colored pictures of veins and such, very bright colors and wonderful designs, I don't know what all the photos are about, although I read their captions as I cut, it wasn't the content but the color that I was looking for. The inside front and back covers are done in the same "picture" - orange and bright light blue, and I put pockets in - the front has music notes stuffed in and around the pocket, the back has feathers and bright pink sequins in and around the pocket. I really liked the pocket idea and wished I had kept that theme going throughout - perhaps the next one. The first page has Asian Heaven/Hell money folded up and tied in, so you can untie them and look at the fake money. The second and third pages are the ones that I'm amused with...just very bright colors on the second page - which I'm not sure I'm done yet - and the third page is also with oranges, and a tattooed woman standing, naked, with her back showing, and I used cut out words to say "PENANCE - its all in the gesture." I like that part...it came together quite nicely. The fourth and fifth pages aren't done yet at all...just the basic dark blue background so far, and the sixth page has a picture of what looks like a dandelion head on it - more needs to be done there, and the seventh page is pink/orange, and I glued a big black button on it - I intend to put "Panic Button" on there but first have to find the words in text somewhere. The eighth page has a picture of a knot on it, with 3 golden suns cutting across the diagonal and black ribbon tied in knots at the corners. Again, I'm not sure about the black but its there now and I don't really have any other color of ribbon. We'll see, I'm sure I can doctor it up somehow.

So that was yesterday's project, and I'm going to carry on working on it today. I'm not keeping this book, I'm swapping it and I'm using the swappee's color - orange - however, I would almost like to keep it and find something else to send, as I'm already sending her a necklace/earrings and bookmark that I've made, perhaps a boughten trinket of some sort would be better, and I can keep my first finished project. I think that is what I'm going to do. Certainly on payday I can find her something fun and frivolous and on the cheap to send.

So the day yawns before me with a certain emptiness, no big project to sink my teeth into...I'm almost out of podge and don't know when I will be buying more, although I think I can mix white glue with a bit of water...I would rather just use the podge, so I will have to wait before I can buy some. I'm relearning "Glue 101" and have used the hot glue gun, white glue and podge to keep things together on this.

I have a set of wooden boxes that are quite cheaply put together and I was wanting to make a diorama or something with them - in purple, so perhaps I can start on that today, although all I have for purple is tissue paper (and not enough podge glue) and purple stencil paint, which takes forever to dry. Perhaps I'll get started on that - the painting, and let it dry until next weekend. I want to organize my art supplies but that is something I keep putting off because it won't be much fun at all...stuff everywhere, and where to put the stuff? I'm thinking of freecycling a lot of the books I have on the shelves in the red room and putting things there, and fixing that one bookshelf too...but I don't know if that is going to happen today either. I think I'll stay with my original idea of painting the wooden boxes and finishing the little book, and see where I get from there.

The cats are always helpful, naturally. They keep taking my stuff, sitting on the papers, sniffing the glue. I appreciate the company but not the help :D

That's all for now, I'll go get my day started with a shower and breakfast.

xoxo
lili

podging takes forever to dry...

...and I'm ready to carry on already but I have to wait for the glue to dry before I can continue. So. I have stopped in to snoop around, and came across this.

http://storms.typepad.com/booklust/2006/01/lost_in_books.html

I hope my sister sees it...she has enough books to make one of these, if she chose to. :D

Meanwhile, I belong to a few message boards and I received, as a prize no less, a "Grow Your Own Voodoo Doll". I thought it would come preassembled, but no...it has to grow in water and apparently it is nothing like the little thing in the package when fully grown. I was wanting to hang said Voodoo Doll on the rear view mirror of my dying car to dispell those who like to vandalize in the area, but the packaging is too cute to rip into, I think I'll just keep it as is. Someday I'll have a shelf that is specifically for those things that are wierd and wonderful and a little creepy that I've collected, but in the meantime, I'll keep this on the coffee table to peruse until I am bored with it/do a big clean and it is filed in a drawer somewhere. Show and tell? I got a few...

The glue is dry enough to carry on, so I shall go forth and make paste, as it were...

xoxo
lili

and its first thing in the morning

I have a roast in the slow cooker and its been in there for over 12 hours. Its been smelling up the house since the hour I put it on...I'm writing before breakfast. The ritual: get up, go to the bathroom, take first set of pills, open curtains, put on clothes, make a tea, sit and wonder what to do with myself. So morning pages, I suppose, but not barfing as such on here but going straight to the creative side. I have one week to practice this, then off to training...

Today I plan on making a small altered book...getting it going. The library nearby sells their castoffs for super cheap, and I have learned that using kids hard cardboard books - the ones that you can wipe the drool off of - are best. First there will be the sanding of each page, then the podging of the base color...I'm thinking purple or blue - both royal deep colors. Then, as that is drying, I will find the things I want to put in the pages - more podging, gluing, placing, etc. I'm rather looking forward to this project. I haven't decided on a "theme" and perhaps I've been thinking of other people's rules for altered books as far as themes go...themes such as "Believe in YOUrself" and other catchphrases of the day. I think I'm just going to go for images that I find appealing, rather than one specific thing...perhaps a theme will come out of it. Work with the color alone, not the content. I want clean lines, with clear images - none of the vague as focal point. Perhaps a reflection of the "wants" I have for my life? But there I go...making a theme.

Part of the process of making this altered book will be finding the materials I've squirreled away to make said altered books...something I meant to start doing ages ago. So the hunting and gathering can't take that long or I'll get somewhat discouraged.

I've been doodling around with colors and I can't get the boldness I want - mostly because of the materials I've been using, partly because of the lack of purpose I feel when presenting myself with a blank page, "...and do WHAT again?" is the prevailing thought when sitting down with my things.

I've been listening to http://www.epitonic.com/radio.jsp - an online radio station with stuff I've never heard before. Reminds me of listening to CBC late night back in the late 80's/early 90's - I don't know if the show is still on but it takes me back to a much more productive stage in my life creatively. Of course, I stopped listening to it when it got to be "noise" - no melody, no words, just scratching and blaring and at times, Satan in my Stereo Sounds, which I found to bring up nothing inside of me other than the physical feeling of needing to hunch my shoulders and squint my eyes. Stuff where, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see where the musicians were trying to work together - rather, they sounded like they were working against each other, defying each other's melodies, playing over top of each other. It screamed of "I need to be heard more than you do" and that one-up-manship has never done anything for me.

I have 35 minutes to go before I can have some of that delicious roast. The kid downstairs is blaring his stereo - heavy on the bass - and I think I'll go and find my materials and if I'm lucky, start sanding...

xoxo
lili

I'm over here now

Just setting up this thing again...have lost my previous blogs, lord knows how to access them - I can read them, can't add to them...so that explanation is out of the way.

I have no real news to let you know about right now.

xoxo

lili