validation

Of course, Sunday was no better. I did get a little orange bag done - the first one I did will be ripped apart and reuse the beads as I didn't like how it turned out. The finished one looks like a little purse - orange and white, reminds me of a creamsicle, with a fringe on the flap. I was going to put a fringe on the bottom too but the beads connecting the bottom weren't straight so they weren't going to lay flat - I'll have to figure that out for the next one. In the meantime, its cute and brought a smile to my face when I finished it this afternoon.

I talked to the nurse at my doctor's office today. She thought that my blood sugar reading was good - good for being a diabetic and no cause for alarm at all - not like that Doctor from Hell had made out. I told the nurse of my most recent visit to the office and she was detachedly up in arms as much as I was. I explained the whole story to her and she "tut tutted" throughout. It was a relief of sorts, I mean, I knew death by chocolate was a slow process to begin with but she reaffirmed that, telling me that you don't wake up in the morning with bedsores, you don't lose your eyesight in the middle of the afternoon, your kidneys don't kick the can midstream.

Still fighting back the tears...this week is particularly stressful - test, then first day of job/returning to old job stuff if I don't pass. Today I was going through the old orders that we did 3 weeks ago and I dunno...I hope when the test comes I snap to it.

I have had some visions of self harm. I won't be doing anything in particular - or keeping my hands/mind busy, and there will be a flash, the movie screen in my head comes to life and takes over my clarity. It is a yardstick that tells me "where I am". Life is a YES! can mean so many different things...and yet I know this is my struggle - not anybody else's, and I can't expect anyone to care or make a gesture that they might even get it. My spiritual belief is the only thing that pulls me through but at times I scrape bottom and it can be so hard to...do anything. This time of day comes and I start to unravel...time for more tranks.

If I'm like this for another week and my doctor doesn't get back to me, I don't know what I'll do. I will call him tomorrow again...but I have very little faith in his receptionist as I talked to her again today and she was fucking up all over the place - didn't spell my name right twice etc. I'm not the only one but gawd, I'm not at the helm.

xoxo
lili