small update

Well, seems like I've not been here for a while. Nothing much to say.

Recently I've caught myself in awe of those who don't show emotion - in their writing, their actions or words or behaviors. Nothing really excites and nothing really incites...somehow, I am jealous of that appearance and yet I'm satisfied with who I am. I admit to tears, I admit to frustration, I admit to my feelings - not just to myself, but to those around me, and in my written words.

My GP said that she thought - had the impression - that I was always an unhappy person. I've been seeing her for 18 years, I supposed she would know, and that sat heavily with me for a while. Then I realized that she only seen me at my most pensive, or sickly, or more recently, like a dog with the tail between the legs. I mean, I've never booked an appointment with her when I feel well and just go to "chat". My shrink asks me if I'm still feeling suicidal. I tell him my perspective on life hasn't changed - it is one foot infront of the other, my core belief system hasn't changed. I showed him my beadwork and he gave me a prescription. I told him I'd had some rough patches this winter and, without seeing him, I'd weathered the storm on my own. We left it at that.

A friend of mine had sent me some thoughts on "life since 911" and conspiracy and "we should all head to the Canadian Rockies because..." and I read it with indifference. He had written it himself - not his usual forwarding of jokes, bad movie clips and such, but something that got him thinking in the middle of the night. I sent him back a response that - in my mind was a "form" response, and while sitting having a quiet smoke together at work, he had said that of all the responses he got from that email, mine was the most "sound". He shared my response with others, and his grandfather said that I seemed like a level headed person. I'd said that there is no point in running, if it is your time, so be it, best to live for a contented sleep than anything else, because after all, what else is there? We are just mammals after all, perhaps with a spiritual safety net or not to take care of our conscience and soul, and we will eat, sleep and shit like the rest of the mammals. We are the products of our environment and always have been. I do think that if there were a bomb or a flood or other disaster, I might take my chances by staying put, and then again, I might not. My ache for survival barely blips on the screen - I go to work, I care for my cats, I craft, I eat and sleep. I piss around and enjoy creature comforts as much as the next person - perhaps more so, for I've no one to answer to and nobody to care for besides myself and my small mute captive brood. The prospect of scooping up five cats and heading out in the pimpmobile to - for me - allergy central, doesn't appeal in the least. I'll breathe in the radiation or fallout or whatever else the doomsayers franticize about and that will be that.

The struggle we have today is still a struggle. If I decide not to struggle so hard or as hard as is "expected", it is my choice and I am aware of that.

On another note...I watched a documentary about how our "meat" is produced and I wasn't impressed. What is all this with the antibiotics being given? the hormones? the "lifestyle"? The visuals made me sick, and I'd have liked to have watched more but could only stomach 15 minutes of it. I've decided to try vegetarianism - or as Gaby would say, a "fish and chipocryte" as I intend to still eat fish at times. I've made an appointment with my GP to get a referral to a dietician to see about portion sizes and such for protien, and when I got groceries today, I wandered past the meat and still ended up spending 40 bucks on stuff. I had a good dinner of cottage cheese, salad greens, toast with peanut butter and a banana. At the very least, I'll try eating meat once a day, rather than looking at it for THE source of protien for my meals. I'm not doing it for my "health" so much as peace of mind, but that is something I'll keep under my hat. Some people (my GP for instance) will be thrilled to think that I'm "taking action for all the right reasons". In my mind, I am, and that is all that matters.

xoxo
lili